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Amy

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things suck... [09 May 2003|10:26pm]
[ mood | grumpy ]

i got into a fight with colin at the formal the school had. i had noticed that ephram looked lonely because his date had pulled a total bitch action on him and i felt bad for him so i wanted to go keep him company, you know? but then colin was like "if you go over there, don't bother to come back." i couldn't believe him. ephram had helped colin through all the awkward stages of coming back to school and he had helped me through all the crap i put myself through when colin was in his coma and he never turned his back on colin throughout any of it. so just because colin got angry at ephram that means i'm not allowed to be friends with him anymore? no, i don't think it works that way. so, i was upset of course but i went to ephram. i guess i was trying to prove a point.. that's what i told ephram anyway and it sounded pretty good. we danced and all and i had a nice time talking to him even though we were both upset about our own little things. i guess it was nice. i was still soooo mad at colin though.

so colin came to talk to me during p.e. a little later on and he expected me to apologize or something. i don't have anything to be sorry for so i wouldn't. i think he owes ephram one and then after that, he owes me one. i told him that ephram has been a good friend to him and a good friend to me but even more he's been a good friend to us. and then i went back to running. maybe the rose-colored glasses are finally coming off... bright and ephram would be so proud.

swing, swing

groundation, pianos, camping, and glowing bugs [28 Apr 2003|11:56pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]

what is this whole being grounded thing anyway? ugh. i hate it. i can't see colin, not even my own grandma will let me go see him! everwood these days... oh well, done with my ranting now.

i went to ephram's piano recital last night even though he told me not to. his dad came to where me and my grandma were camping and told me to come and he seemed kind of desperate so i went. forgive me if i sound corny or gushy or something... but he was amazing. i mean just completely amazing. i couldn't stop smiling! the girl before him, i think her name is kate, she was also really, really, really good. some of the earlier people that played weren't so good but that's not important. i saw ephram in a whole new light. i mean, sure i get mad at him every now and then and i knew he was smart and he was good at the piano and all but wow! i was completely blown away. okay anyway, i better stop before people start accusing me of being into him again. just a friend, just a friend. i'm not mad at him anymore though.

okay so the main thing that's been going on is that there was this weird star thing that had been going on and stuff. people came from all sorts of places thinking it was ufo's and such, right? so me and my grandma decided to go camping and play x-files and try to figure it out. well last night we didn't find any "clues". this morning though i looked at the ground and there were all these bugs all over the ground and in the trees, it was gross. then i remembered that we read something online that said that if a massive amount of bugs get caught in this weird electrical thing in the sky it can kind of look like they're glowing so we figured that must be what it all was. we solved the mystery oh yeah oh yeah. but shhh i didn't tell you.

well i'm off. more in the next few days, as usual.

swing, swing

i guess things change [22 Apr 2003|12:24am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

okay, seriously.. what is with my family? first my dad completely goes against me and gets colin mad at me (thank god he's not mad anymore) and then bright's being so mean to colin now. he says he didn't say anything to colin to make him beat him up but i'm so sure he did and he just won't admit it. colin would never beat up his best friend for no reason at all. he just wouldn't.

colin's pretty much back to new though! he can move like always and run around like always. i'm so happy that he's able to do everything he couldn't do, maybe he'll start becoming a lot happier again. i don't know. but i'm glad that we're finally getting to spend a lot more time together now that he's done with rehab and all. he's back!

this interviewer was in town doing a story on ephram's dad and he did a long thing about colin and all. it was really weird but really cool at the same time. i was in a big magazine with colin!! that's pretty exciting.

i guess colin and ephram aren't getting along now either. i keep coming back to this topic... well i don't know. anyway. i guess the other day when colin got upset in gym class colin was pretty convinced that ephram was trying to sell him out or something. i went to talk to ephram about it and he was pretty cold to me. he said that colin couldn't deal with what's going on with him right now. i'm still positive that he can and even if he can't, i can. i've been strong for both colin and myself before, i can definately do it again. it isn't as hard as it seems. i love colin and there's nothing that's going to keep me from helping him and staying by his side. i won't change my mind. no one's convinced me to yet, why should ephram be the first one? ephram always seems to think he knows colin better than anyone else just because when colin came back, he was the first person colin talked to and because his dad was the one that brought colin back. ephram has no idea who colin is so he doesn't have any place coming in and telling me how colin should be and how i should be handling the colin situation. i think i'm handling just fine, thank you very much.

enough of this talk. i love colin and that's all that matters. if bright and ephram want to be mad at him, they can go right ahead. i'm still on his side though.

12 carried me| swing, swing

new layout [04 Apr 2003|05:34pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

got myself a new layout. isn't it purty?

swing, swing

so sick so sick of being tired [29 Mar 2003|01:25am]
[ mood | drained ]

okay. i've finally decided. there. is. nothing. to. do. in. everwood. especially when your boyfriend is in the middle of hating you. oh well. i guess i'll find something to do.

i have a cold too... i hate it when things are going around.

swing, swing

gah... [24 Mar 2003|11:09pm]
[ mood | guilty ]

note to self: other people read this journal, amy. stop posting things as if it were your personal journal.

done talking to myself.

sorry guys...

swing, swing

oh goodness gracious sakes... [14 Mar 2003|12:55am]
[ mood | pensive ]

wouldn't it be awesome if you were automatically put together with the person you're meant to be with forever and ever from the second you were born? that would save a lot of confusion. i love colin but i'm finding myself more and more drawn to ephram lately... help me!

2 carried me| swing, swing

everwood needs to just... psh... [28 Feb 2003|02:24am]
[ mood | irritated ]

i'm beginning to see what ephram and laynie mean about everwood sucking so bad...

i'm also starting to get really annoyed with how hard my dad is trying to get me to not hate him. sorry, i just don't see it happening. he messed everything up! this isn't fair that colin doesn't trust me, i didn't mean for it to turn into this. i really didn't. i was just talking to my dad, that's all! and then my dad had to be stupid doctor and go all crazy-like. it's not that serious.

it's about time i bought my own plane ticket, dontcha think?

3 carried me| swing, swing

choking the wavered life that i have left [25 Feb 2003|05:23pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

so i'm really pissed off at my dad right now. i don't know if colin's planning on talking to me anymore and it's all his fault. i told him that colin had gotten sick and all just in passing as a daughter to her dad, not as a worried girlfriend to her boyfriend's doctor.. not that my dad is colin's doctor anyway. and then he tells dr. brown who is colin's doctor. i mean, what the hell? so colin's mad at me now because i told my dad even though it was completely innocent because he's getting a lot more tests done now. i'm so stupid. i should have known i couldn't tell my dad a single thing. i swear i hate him sometimes. and i mean... i know i'm probably being dramatic when i say colin won't ever talk to me again. but things were finally going back to how they were before or actually even better than before and my dad just had to mess everything up again. i hate my parents sometimes.

5 carried me| swing, swing

nothing's going on for once! [18 Feb 2003|02:09pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

not too much has been going on. i'm feeling better right now than i was last week. life is good! ephram told me that him and laynie broke up. that's sad, they actually were pretty cute together. who knows? maybe they'll patch things up, right? ephram never gives up on things that easy and laynie's not as stubborn as she likes to put on. colin's coming home :o) happy times.

2 carried me| swing, swing

songs. life. [15 Feb 2003|08:43pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]

this song made me think of everything so much...


at cavanaugh park
where i used to sit alone in the dark
and dream about things that i cannot say
you always said destiny would blow me away
and nothing's gonna blow me away

at cavanaugh park
where you used to take me to play in the sand
and said to me "son, one day you'll be a man
and men can do terrible things"
yes, they can

there was never any place
for someone like me to be totally happy
i'm running out of clock and that ain't a shock
some things never do change
never do change

at cavanaugh park
we used to get high
watching teams as they fought
they loved my friend adam
but he always got caught
man, that kid made fucking up look cool
aren't we all so cool?
no, no

and there was never any place
for someone like me to be totally happy
i'm running out of clock and that ain't a shock
some things never do change
never do change
never do change
never do change
never do change

at cavanaugh park
where i used to think that this life would be good
and i would do things that i thought that i should
and no one's gonna tear me down

and there was never any place
for someone like me to be totally happy
i'm running out of clock and that ain't a shock
some things never do change

and there was never any place
for someone like me to be totally happy
i'm running out of clock and that ain't a shock
some things never do change
never do change
never do change
never do change
never do change

*cavanaugh park* - something corporate

5 carried me| swing, swing

valentine's day... the second?? [10 Feb 2003|11:32pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

valentine's day seemed to be going pretty well at the beginning of the day. but i guess i had been watching ephram and laynie a little too much or something and colin got upset, i guess. he asked me what happened between eprham and me while he was in his coma and i thought ephram said something and he told me that he had just figured it out. i don't know how.. i didn't think i was being too obvious or anything. so i told him about the time ephram kissed me in the mines the day of his surgery and he asked if it happened again and i couldn't lie because i knew he'd figure me out so i told him that it happened one more time and that time i knew what i was doing. and he said he wished i had told him a month ago... which i understood completely. i should i have. and he left. i don't know what's been wrong with me. i just... i don't know. i can't wrap my fingers around this whole idea that there's colin... but he's not... colin. but i still love him, i do, it's just had to see him but not see him but still somehow love both of.. him.

but ephram and laynie looked really happy and they actually were very cute. i'm glad that they're together, really. they're good for each other. i mean, they're both cynical, hate everwood, know there's better out there, both... brunette? no, i dunno. but they're good together and they really looked like they were having fun so i hope that all goes well because.. well, i like to see my friends happy. i'm really bad at covering things up, aren't i? okay, okay, fine. i guess when i saw them together the other night i did feel a tiny bit jealous. but not really of either one of them in particular.. just because of what they were able to do and say together because they're really just getting to know each other. it's like with colin i guess in a way we're getting to know each other but it's more him getting to know me and me thinking that he's still the same colin, when i know he's not and i'm going to have to accept that.

he's going to denver for a week or so for some testing and follow ups and all, colin that is. i asked if i could call him and he said i could if i wanted to and i told him that of course i wanted to. but he told me not to answer so fast because he really wanted me to think about what i actually want. he said he really likes me now that he's gotten to know me and that he does actually want me now bue he wanted me to think about what i actually want, him - the new colin or him - the old colin that isn't coming back. he said he'd wait for me since i waited long enough for him. i'm not sure what i'm supposed to think about all that. i do want him, really... i do. that was never a question for me. the question for me is can i let go of the colin i fell in love with that's gone forever? don't get me wrong, i love the new colin too, really! but i'm really bad with change, can ya tell?

but while i was talking to colin about ephram on valentine's day, i said a few things i never thought about before. like how ephram was kind of the only person i could talk to while colin was in the hospital and how no one understood what i was going through but somehow ephram just got it. no questions asked. maybe it's because of what happened with his mom or something, that kind of thing doesn't happen too often in everwood so ya know... with experience comes understanding and wisdom, right? that's what i'm gonna think. but ephram came down to the skating pond to thank me for making him ask laynie out, which i thought was sort of weird. because i didn't really make him, ya know. i just nudged him a little bit. :o) but yeah, i said you're welcome and all just to humor him, even though i still don't think he needed to say thank you. not to me anyway! well, this has definately gotten way too long so, time to fly!

5 carried me| swing, swing

another layout [07 Feb 2003|01:59am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

yeah.. something was up with the last background so i decided to go away from the usual and use a roswell background because it's one of my favorite shows and i really like this background. what it says is... "i awake to find no peace of mind... ...how do you live as a fugitive?"

3 carried me| swing, swing

two guys, a girl, and a ski trip [04 Feb 2003|01:09am]
[ mood | thankful ]

well the ski trip was really, really fun in the end. colin and i were fighting for a good portion of it but we made up. we finally kissed!!! can you believe it? i am really just so, so happy right now that we're finally able to do things like that.

ephram turned out to be a really good friend and i'm thankful for what he did even if i came across as slightly peeved. see, i'm not going to tell colin but i know that ephram told him the grover story. i confronted ephram about it and all and he said that's all he told him. but it's okay, i guess. i know colin could tell i've been upset that he doesn't remember me and i guess ephram is just full of surprises and i'm sure he was doing it for colin so i'd get off his back since that's what everyone's been stressing lately and he wasn't doing it for me. i don't deserve that anyway, i've been horrible to him.

but the fight with colin did have to do with me pushing. i had mentioned last year and started telling him what we did and he told me very nicely not to talk about last year or last month or last anything and he just wanted to relax his mind this weekend. so i said i could do that. and then we talked about bright and his girlfriend possibly getting their groove on and he asked about him and us and i told him all he needed to know (which isn't much, i'm a good girl thank you). and then we kissed! but then i started talking about last year and this one time when we were kissing and he got mad, really mad. and he said he asked me to stop and i stopped and i said sorry. but he was still mad and he yelled at me about how i keep pushing him and expecting this guy from last year to be there but he's not. he said that colin was dead and all there was now was him. i don't know what that means. i guess i should stop being so selfish and i should pay attention to who colin is now. so he stormed off. eventually he came and apologized but i told him not to because he had nothing to be sorry for and he was right, that i've been pushing all along and i shouldn't be. then i said i should probably stay out of his life for the time being and that's when he called me grover and told me the story of how he gave me the name and how he's been remembering a few things about us and all. but i know he doesn't. i just hope that it doesn't stay that way and that he really remembers me for real some day. i really hope.j

and as for ephram. i should talk to him, like really sit down and talk to him. because this is getting rediculous. i know he's pretty much stopped being my friend for the most part right now and all these great things he's doing are all for colin, but i just need to tell him that everything he's doing is sort of helping me out too. he's a really good friend and i just wish i hadn't messed everything up so bad with him when colin got back. that was really stupid of me. but i haven't forgotten about him, i swear.

* i remember you, do you remember me too? seems like such a long, long time since i held you near and called you mine... *

2 carried me| swing, swing

layout [01 Feb 2003|11:33pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

and once again, a new layout. this time it's me. i'm not conceited!

swing, swing

layout [30 Jan 2003|01:43pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

hey, new day, new layout. no, i'm not going to change the layout every day, i just got bored on my art program and messed around with a stupid picture of ephram and me. and i changed the color scheme and all to match. what do you think?

9 carried me| swing, swing

we reflect on miscommunications and misunderstandings... [30 Jan 2003|02:40am]
[ mood | okay ]

okay so maybe i overreacted a tiny bit. but it's not wrong of me to miss the guy colin used to be, is it? i talked to ephram a little bit through that whole comment-y thingy and such. fun piece of this livejournal thing!

swing, swing

so this is how the story goes [29 Jan 2003|10:17pm]
[ mood | confused ]

so.. i guess this livejournal thing is all the rave, huh? i guess i could possibly see why. bear your soul to some anonymous reader to have them judge you when most likely they have no idea who you are. or you know, you censor yourself so the people who actually do know you don't know what you actually have to say about them. yeah, see, i don't know what i'm going to end up doing in my livejournal but yes, this would be the first entry. how's that for an opening sequence?

so colin's been home for a few weeks now. he's slowly getting back in the groove of things. but he's different now, like he's not really the same colin i fell in love with last year. and this whole friendship with ephram is just weird to me. i mean, i guess i should be happy that he's made such a good friend already but every time i'm standing next to the two of them i just feel like i'm lying to colin. and i know i'm being horrible to ephram these days but i'm worried he'll tell colin what happened while colin was in his coma. i mean, i guess i should know that he wouldn't because ephram's not like that. after all, he did tell me to go back to colin that night at the party, didn't he? but i can't stand to be near him right now. i feel like he's stealing colin from me. okay okay, let me explain myself before anyone gets all outraged at what i just said...

whenever i'm around colin or when bright's around him it's like there's this weird awkward tension that you could cut with like, 5 knives. but then ephram comes walking up being completely ephram and giving me his weird ephram-like looks and colin loosens up and they just walk off together. i wish i understood why colin's like that these days. i wish he remembered me or even better - i wish i felt like he wanted to remember me. i feel like he's just been hanging around me lately because he feels like he has to. as much as i want to be with him and i want him to be around, i don't want him to feel forced to be around me.. i'm not asking him to do that. i just want him to fall in love with me again so possibly he can remember... everything. i don't want to feel like second best on my own boyfriend's list. second best to the guy who i cheated on colin with.

6 carried me| swing, swing

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