valentine's day seemed to be going pretty well at the beginning of the day. but i guess i had been watching ephram and laynie a little too much or something and colin got upset, i guess. he asked me what happened between eprham and me while he was in his coma and i thought ephram said something and he told me that he had just figured it out. i don't know how.. i didn't think i was being too obvious or anything. so i told him about the time ephram kissed me in the mines the day of his surgery and he asked if it happened again and i couldn't lie because i knew he'd figure me out so i told him that it happened one more time and that time i knew what i was doing. and he said he wished i had told him a month ago... which i understood completely. i should i have. and he left. i don't know what's been wrong with me. i just... i don't know. i can't wrap my fingers around this whole idea that there's colin... but he's not... colin. but i still love him, i do, it's just had to see him but not see him but still somehow love both of.. him.
but ephram and laynie looked really happy and they actually were very cute. i'm glad that they're together, really. they're good for each other. i mean, they're both cynical, hate everwood, know there's better out there, both... brunette? no, i dunno. but they're good together and they really looked like they were having fun so i hope that all goes well because.. well, i like to see my friends happy. i'm really bad at covering things up, aren't i? okay, okay, fine. i guess when i saw them together the other night i did feel a tiny bit jealous. but not really of either one of them in particular.. just because of what they were able to do and say together because they're really just getting to know each other. it's like with colin i guess in a way we're getting to know each other but it's more him getting to know me and me thinking that he's still the same colin, when i know he's not and i'm going to have to accept that.
he's going to denver for a week or so for some testing and follow ups and all, colin that is. i asked if i could call him and he said i could if i wanted to and i told him that of course i wanted to. but he told me not to answer so fast because he really wanted me to think about what i actually want. he said he really likes me now that he's gotten to know me and that he does actually want me now bue he wanted me to think about what i actually want, him - the new colin or him - the old colin that isn't coming back. he said he'd wait for me since i waited long enough for him. i'm not sure what i'm supposed to think about all that. i do want him, really... i do. that was never a question for me. the question for me is can i let go of the colin i fell in love with that's gone forever? don't get me wrong, i love the new colin too, really! but i'm really bad with change, can ya tell?
but while i was talking to colin about ephram on valentine's day, i said a few things i never thought about before. like how ephram was kind of the only person i could talk to while colin was in the hospital and how no one understood what i was going through but somehow ephram just got it. no questions asked. maybe it's because of what happened with his mom or something, that kind of thing doesn't happen too often in everwood so ya know... with experience comes understanding and wisdom, right? that's what i'm gonna think. but ephram came down to the skating pond to thank me for making him ask laynie out, which i thought was sort of weird. because i didn't really make him, ya know. i just nudged him a little bit. :o) but yeah, i said you're welcome and all just to humor him, even though i still don't think he needed to say thank you. not to me anyway! well, this has definately gotten way too long so, time to fly!